For the longest time, I had no idea what the concept of self awareness was. I knew vaguely what it meant but I never thought about how it applied to me. Infact it wasn’t until my cousin complimented how self aware I was, did it occur to me to research on the subject.
After some research, I realized that, I had been practicing self awareness without even realizing it. Before learning about self awareness, my mother used to tell me to check myself anytime I did something wrong. So I did just that. I evaluated myself constantly and measured myself by the standards and values of my religion, my family and successful people. I constantly examined what people said to me or about me and random bits of wisdom I heard anywhere to see what areas of my life and character I could improve on. By doing that, I had been developing my self awareness skills without even realizing.
So what does self awareness mean?
It’s your ability to examine your actions, thoughts and values objectively to see if they align with your internal standards or values. Being self aware means that you’re able to evaluate and manage yourself. It means that you can tell yourself the truth about your character, thoughts and actions without letting your emotions cloud your judgement (which makes it a rare skill that many do not possess).
Self-awareness is the first step in ridding yourself of old habits and facilitating the formation of new habits. You can't change that which you're not aware of - Heba el-Haddad
According to Meredith Beth, a Betterup fellow coach, there are 2 kinds of self awareness. Public awareness and private awareness.
Public self awareness refers to our awareness of how people perceive us. It is basically the consciousness we have of how we appear to others. This awareness makes us behave in ways that are socially acceptable. This is the reason why we put on nice clothes for a meeting or wear an appealing perfume to go on a date. It’s the part of us that is aware of how other see us so it makes us want to put our best foot forward(in most cases).
While it’s good to be publicly self aware, it’s also very dangerous because we can fall into the trap of caring too much what people think about us. That’s called self consciousness and it kills your authenticity because you’re constantly trying to fit into the idea of what people expect you to be. While researching, I reflected for a bit and I realized that I had been self conscious for the larger part of my life. I grew up constantly hearing my mum say things like
Why are you dressed like this? Why are you trying to disgrace me? What will people say?
Growing up, I wasn’t very keen on fashion because I wasn’t allowed to choose my style. So I just didn’t care how I looked. My mum, on the other hand was very self conscious and always wanted her children to look good and put their best foot forward. Although, she was trying to raise me to be self aware, I overdid it. I became so conscious of how I looked and what people would say that I could not leave the house without makeup. I hated my body and how I looked because it didn’t look anything like what people liked or cared about. At least that’s what I thought from all the nonsense I consumed off social media. I thought people only cared about slim, fair girls who wore revealing outfits. So as a result, I hated myself for being fat, used bleaching creams to lighten my complexion and wore outfits that weren’t so modest.
However, the older I grew, the more self aware I became and I learned to love my body and the color of my skin. I stopped caring about my imperfections. I stopped trying to fit into that box and focused on nurturing self love, self care, my faith and my values.
I’m not saying it’s bad to be aware of how the public sees you. I’m saying that it’s bad to let that define you.
Private self awareness, on the other hand, is your ability to notice and reflect on your internal state. It’s your curiosity about your reactions and feelings. Identifying the way you feel and asking what you can do to improve or feel better.
For instance, noting how your body tenses up for a meeting is a sign that you’re self aware. This means that you can notice and attribute correctly your physical reaction to your anxiety about the meeting. I learned about this through a meditation technique called body scan. I learnt our body and mind are connected in such a way that whatever you feel in your mind shows up in your body. Likewise, an injury puts you in a bad mood. When you’re self aware, you’re able to identify how you feel and how your feelings affect your body and mind. That sets you on the road to improvement because you start to think, what can I do to make this better.
It’s also easy to fall into self-consciousness in this category. You can become inauthentic because you refuse to share certain aspects of yourself with others. I also dealt with this problem for a while. (As you can now tell, I tend to overdo everything but I have now learnt that life is about seeking balance in all you do) As an introvert, I tend to spend a lot of time with my thoughts which oftentimes lead to overthinking. Like I said, because I was so self conscious, I always hid in my shell. I loved my comfort zone and I refused to be my true self in most encounters with people because I was always thinking about what how they would perceive me. I also didn’t have the confidence to be myself. It was so bad that I’d lose my fluency in speech and suddenly forget how to speak English. I couldn’t be myself. I didn’t even know myself. I couldn’t even make a lot of friends because I was too conscious to share my quirks with others for fear of what they would say. Even with few friends I made and was a bit comfortable with, I was still cautious not to be labeled hypocrite if I behaved some way or explored other things that were different from what I always did. I didn’t want to be made fun of so I held myself back. This is something I still battle with even now.
This affected my relationship with my mum and my family. I could not develop a close relationship with them because I was so self absorbed and conscious. Self awareness helped me to see these patterns and I started to work on them. I’m still a work in progress but now I try my best to discover myself. I work on self love everyday by prioritizing self care and saying my affirmations. I have a better relationship with my mum and family because I show up as my authentic self. It’s not perfect but it’s huge progress and you can do it too.
Why is self-awareness important?
When you look inwards, you are able to clarify your values, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses.
You are able to recognize the effect that you have on others.
when you have inward self-awareness, you tend to recognize your triggers and avoid stressful situations and thoughts. This makes you lead a generally happy life.
You get to experience a sense of personal and social control as well as higher job satisfaction.
When you look outward, you understand how people see you. When you’re aware of how people see you, you’ll develop empathy in the way you see others too. As a self aware person, it’s easier for me to understand others, their intentions and perspectives even when they’re different from mine. This has helped me to foster better relationship with people in my life.
You’re able to empower, recognize and include others especially in leadership.
You’re able to make better decisions, express yourself clearly and as a result you become more confident.
Self awareness allows you to let go of assumptions and biases that you picked up growing up. It allows you to recognize and weed out thoughts and actions that are not serving you. I know that the more self aware I’ve become, the more I’ve been able to identify my own self sabotaging traits. I have been able to identify where it comes from and I now have more tools at my disposal to help me when I sabotage myself.
You develop the ability to regulate your emotions so you’re less reactive to situations. The more self aware I am, the better I am getting at removing myself from anxiety and depression modes.
Many of us grew up with the message that you should not show your emotions, so we attempt to ignore or suppress them. With negative emotions, that doesn't go very well for us. We either internalize them (resulting in anger, resentment, depression, and resignation) or we externalize them and blame, discount, or bully others. - Meredith Beth.
How do I know if I’m self aware?
While researching for this blog post, I came across a test and I decided to try it to know how self aware I was.
The test was multiple choice questions and when I was answering some of those questions, I had some insights into my level of self awareness. For instance, I recognized that if I had done this test a few months back, my answers would be different. It felt great to realize just how much I had grown in just a couple of months and this was my result.
Your Score: 75.01 – 90% | Big Picture Forming!
Good job! You’re above average in your self-awareness. The blinders are coming off, but the big picture is still forming. Keep going! You’ve gained a lot of insight and had plenty of aha moments in your life. There are details missing that will serve as keys to moving on to enlightenment.
I was so pleased to know that although I’m still learning, I’m farther along this journey than I realize. I am a slow learner so it has taken me years to reach this point. Because it took me so long, I never really stopped to analyze how far I’ve come. I’ve only been focusing on what’s next. Don’t be like me. Analyze your growth from time to time and celebrate yourself, do a little dance, treat yourself to some enjoyment. And on days when you feel down, remind yourself of how far you’ve come.
Try the test here to determine where you are in your awareness journey.
7 ways to become more self aware
1. Prayer
As a Muslim, my faith is one of the most important aspects of my life and I believe my self growth journey started with my curiosity for Islam. I wasn’t born Muslim, I converted as a teenager. My mother who was Christian, met my stepdad who was a Muslim and I got exposed to Islam through that. I was never forced to change but my exposure to it made me ask questions. These were questions I asked even as a Christian. I got my answers in Islam so naturally I wanted to get better at the religion once I adopted it. I prayed for guidance constantly. I practiced and finally learnt how to observe solat. When I look back on my self growth journey, it’s inception began with my mum telling me to check myself which made me pray constantly for guidance because I had no idea what I was doing. I kept praying for guidance and I have to tell you every situation I’ve found myself in is the answer to that prayer. I sprayed that I wanted to know more about the religion and I found myself studying Islamic law in university when I never opted for that at the entrance level. I’ve met people through that journey that have made me reflect on myself and improve several areas of my life. Infact, I started wearing the hijab through this journey. This is why prayer is at the top of my list. I believe it’s the foundation of who I am and I couldn’t have been self aware if my religion did not encourage me to seek knowledge and reflect.
Quran 47:24 - Then do they not reflect upon the Quran or are there locks upon their hearts?
Quran (96:1-5) - Recite in the name of your Lord. Who created man from a clot of congealed blood. Recite: and your Lord is Most Generous, Who taught by the pen, Taught man what he did not know.
It is stated in Islamic tradition: ‘Whosoever knows himself knows his Lord.”
2. Self Reflection
The next step to becoming self aware is to practice self reflection. Like I said earlier, I had been building my awareness skills before I even knew what self awareness meant and that was because I was constantly checking myself. In every sense of the word. I was checking myself for negative traits and habits. Trying to change for the better, one habit at a time. It started with my attitude. Like most teenagers, I was moody and felt like I had all the problems in the world. I was also very self absorbed and did not know how to communicate appropriately. Gradually I learnt concepts like kindness from my sisters, friendliness from my friend Tosin, accountability from my mum who always told me to check myself and faith from my mum, the tv, friends and the internet. If you fail to check yourself, you’ll be stuck with your bad habits essentially hindering your growth.
When self reflecting, avoid asking yourself the WHY questions. This only fosters negative thoughts because the answers you give to yourself will be based on your weaknesses and insecurities.
For instance, if you ask yourself why can’t I just learn this subject? The answer you might hear in your head is because you’re dumb. Why can’t I speak up? Because I’m a coward.
However according to the Enrich group, the best way to self reflect is to ask the WHAT questions.
So instead of why can’t I learn this? You’ll say what can I do to facilitate better learning? What are the tips I can learn to overcome my stage fright?
Asking the right questions can empower you to make the right choices that facilitates your growth rather than leaving you stuck.
3. Labeling
The art of labeling is something I learnt during my meditation practices. Labeling how you feel helps you to be less reactive and less distracted by noting the nature of the emotion what you feel.
Your brain has a fight or flight mode that is activated when anticipating danger. Signals are immediately sent to the body to either prepare to run or to fight before we even have the chance to recognize what we’re feeling. Our hearts race, shoulders tense, stomach tightens. In that moment, it’s crucial to name how you’re feeling in other to make the right decisions rather than react without thinking of consequences and that’s what labeling is. When you label how you’re feeling, you’re observing your emotion as objectively as a third party would. When you recognize how you’re feeling, you’re able to control how you react.
For instance, when you’re feeling anger in a situation. Recognizing the anger and labeling it allows you to exercise control and make better decisions. You can decide to walk away from the situation or to pick your words carefully. I do this whenever I’m anxious. I remind myself that anxiety is just my body’s response to perceived danger so I tell myself that I am safe in this moment and I move forward with perceived dangerous action that created the anxiety in me.
4. Character poll
Sometimes we’re too self absorbed to see our flaws. This is where character poll comes in. It’s something I started to do after reading some articles online. (It’s been so long ago I can’t remember which site) Getting feedback from the your loved ones about your character and habits can be a real eye opener.
For instance, growing up my mum commented a lot on my bad habits and I took that as feedback and worked on my self. At some point, my sister also called me out. Apparently I had been acting like my mum and not in a good way. Calling me out on that made me reflect on bad habits that I had been practicing unconsciously. I reflected and started working on that.
Also, I got feedback at some point that I had the bad habit of not checking up on my loved ones. I started to work on that because I realized that life is too short to not spend time with your loved ones. So, I set in my calendar a reminder to call and check on my loved ones everyday. Another bad habit I had was that I got very defensive when called out. I would make the person feel like they made a mistake telling me. I didn’t want to be unteachable so I learnt how to take feedback without antagonizing the person. I also learnt how to express myself when someone hurt my feelings. I used to lash out but now I talk like an adult.
I know we all don’t like to be told what we’re doing wrong. It’s honestly a bitter pill to swallow but for the sake of growth, you have to be open to getting feedback from those whose opinions matter, who know you and would tell you the blatant truth about your character. Don’t be afraid of feedback because It allows you to pay attention to the blind spots in your character limiting your growth. Do a character poll and ask your loved ones to spell out your good and bad traits/habits.
5. Meditation
When I first started meditation, it felt really weird. I was inconsistent for months and it wasn’t until recently I started to get better at it. I didn’t see results until after months of consistency. Meditation is really important because it trains you to be mindful of what’s going on in your mind, body and your environment. It helps you to train your focus, regulate your emotions and decrease self-criticism.
When I first started all I wanted to learn was how to be focused. I was so overwhelmed mentally and I was a chronic procrastinator. Meditation helped me to improve my self awareness by recognizing my emotions and my triggers.
Using the app Balance, I learnt skills such as breath focus which helped me to improve my attention and focus, reduced my anxiety and introduce calm to my body system. I’ve even used it to improve my sleep.
Use this link to get one year free access to Balance’s full library of guided meditation.
6. Visualization
When I first started my growth journey, I had difficulties visualing who I wanted to become. This is because I had negative beliefs that ran deep. I could never imagine myself in successful situations because I never dreamt that could be possible for me. We sometimes tell ourselves that we want what’s best for us but oftentimes we don’t truly believe that we are capable of achieving it. This is not our fault. We just don’t have evidence to prove that we can do it around us. (And I’m talking about hustlers, not trust fund babies).
Achieving any form of success requires a growth mindset and visualization is a tool that helps you create a clear picture of where you’re going. It keeps you in touch with your dreams and serves as motivation for you to keep going. It may be weird at first because we Africans don’t usually do stuff like this but trust me, you’ll get used to it. You’ll even get better at it. I got better by trying it. Everyday. I added it to my morning routine and it reinforces and grounds my new beliefs that I am capable of achieving what I set my mind to. It helps me to focus on what I need to do to attain my vision and you can do it too!
7. Journaling
This is another practice that I had been doing before I realized I was on a self growth journey. I realized early on in life that writing was therapeutic for me. Anytime I had a fight with my mum, I’d be so upset that I couldn’t express myself so I’d write in tears and I’d fill up pages of books. It always made me feel better. It was like a purge and with each stroke of the pen I was releasing the emotional baggage I carried. Now it’s become a part of my routine although I don’t do it everyday. It comes in handy on those gloomy days. These days, I don’t fight with my mum but I tend to let the things that aren’t going well in my life get to me.
So now I practice gratitude journaling to remind myself of the good in my life, my growth and progress. It helps me to pay attention to the good in my life and appreciate how far I’ve come. It keeps me motivated to do more because I am able to reflect on how far I’ve come and it becomes obvious to me that the gloomy days won’t last forever.
Like Yasmin Moghed said, if you focus on the bad, it’ll appear bigger than it actually is.
Practice gratitude through journaling and meditation to be aware of your growth and the things that are going well in your life.
To practice journaling,
have a dedicated journal
choose a time of day (morning or night)
write 3 things that you’re grateful
I learnt this during a research on how best to enjoy the process of growth. Focusing on these positives keeps you in a better frame of mind and you’re more in tune with your life experiences.
Now that you’ve learnt what self awareness is, your level of self awareness and how you can improve on it, it’s time to say goodbye with a question that helps me stay aware. Ask yourself everyday, what would the best version of myself do? Show up and behave like you’re already self aware because the best way to level up is to show up as the next level version of yourself.
Here are some more resources your can read
I hope you enjoyed this read and I hope it helps you in your journey.
XOXO, Am Salma.
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