Journal entry - 16/03/23 4:44am
On this self-growth journey of mine, I've faced many uncomfortable truths that were very hard for me to accept. Almost like the famous malaria pills. The thought of them alone irritated me and I found them very hard to chew. One of them was jealousy.
I never believed for once that I’d be the one who felt jealousy (Infact I dreaded writing this as a blog post because I was not ready to face this truth or allow anyone to see it. It took me even longer to post) I was not ready to admit it to myself in writing that I (who prides myself on being the most supportive and loving friend ever) felt jealousy when the thought of others thriving came to my mind.
What made it hurt the most was that it was not an emotion I felt towards strangers, rather to my sisters (blood and friends). I had never been more ashamed in my life.
There were 2 instances recently when I felt such shameful emotion. The first time was when my friend and I found ourselves freshly enrolled in law school. We were all new and eager to make friends. As our friendship squad grew, I realized that I wasn’t the one everyone loved unconditionally. I wasn’t the one everyone fawned over and that made me feel jealousy. Once I admitted to myself that that was how I felt, I couldn't face myself because I was becoming the one person I judged so much. What made my shame worse was when she showed me a video. The video talked about how jealousy amongst friends become more about love than about material things. I felt shame knowing I felt this way towards someone I really cared about. The irony was that the video was right and it was referring to me but this friend had no clue. In confronting that emotion, I realized just how true it was that my jealousy was a signal that I was lacking attention, love and care for myself so I felt jealous because I wanted to feel loved and cared for so badly by everyone that I failed to see that what I was lacking was self love and no amount of love from others would fill that void.
The second time was when my sister started thriving in her modeling career and for a brief second I thought what if she made it before me. As a first born daughter, wasn't I supposed to be the one liberating my sisters? What if I became the tail and not the head that I had been told to be all my life? These thoughts came to my mind and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because of the sheer disgust I felt at myself for even thinking these thoughts. I almost felt like as if all my sacrifices were to build someone else's dream. The worst part was that this had been breeding for a while and it started when she got admission for a course that I considered my pipe dream. It started to feel like everything I dreamed of she got easy off of my own sweat.
Again, I do not say these with pride but I am grateful to God for knowledge. This is because when I was struggling and praying against this emotion, I believe God sent a tiktok video my way and this lady (God bless her soul) explained the reason for this emotion we all dread. This gave me so much peace from the internal conflict that I just had to share with you.
1. I learnt that jealousy comes from our own insecurities. So when we feel jealousy, the first step in overcoming is asking ourselves where we are lacking.
In the first instance, my jealousy came from an emotional standpoint. My healing started when I acknowledged to myself that
I won’t always be the best. There is no need for the whole world to like me. I am not everyone's cup of tea just the way not everyone is my cup of tea. The world does not need to revolve around me. I have my own charms. I do not need to be accepted by everyone to feel validation that I am wanted.
The next thing I needed to do was give myself all the attention that I was craving and all the love I was seeking from others in order to be self fulfilled. I needed to give to myself first what I sought from others.
If you can relate to this, know that it’s only human to feel this way and realizing the true meaning behind these emotional cues will help you understand the beauty of why we have these emotions. Now that I know what signals my body are trying to pass across to me whenever I feel these emotions, its easier to shut down the negative thoughts and give to myself what I'm lacking.
In the second instance, my jealousy came from a financial standpoint. The emotion was a signal that I had not yet accomplished my goals and that I was being impatient and not reflecting enough on the beauty of accomplishing my goals at God’s time.
My healing started by acknowledging that
I am capable of getting anything I set my mind on. If she has this life, it’s because she worked for it and she deserves it. If I keep pushing I can get what I want and be happy.
When I am focused on self fulfillment, I'll have the capacity to be happy for her. What’s meaningful to me is our bond and being the kind of person who is happy for others success. Her having more money than I do is not a reason for me to unhappy. As long as I am focused on my path, then I can be happy for her. Our timing is different and Allah’s way of blessing us is different. The more I reflect on the way I’ve been blessed, the more grateful I am that my blessings are not a source of curse for me. Not a lot of people have the luxury of saying my source of blessings are completely devoid of haram in this day and age. I love that I am on this path. And I appreciate the fact that I have the self awareness to be able to realize this.
2. Second thing I learnt is that Jealousy is an emotion that is also there to protect us.
We feel jealousy when our body senses a threat to something we hold dear or our emotional bond feels threatened. For instance, if you see your partner with someone else and you feel jealous, its most likely because you hold such person dear and you don't want to lose them so your emotions make you want to mark your territory. It's primal instinct and it is normal. You don't need to feel shame for feeling this way.
What you can do to overcome this is to remind yourself in that moment that you're safe. Your emotional bond with your partner or friend is safe. You trust your person and Your place in their life is not threatened.
In summary, when you feel jealous, do these 5 things:
Identify and accept that you feel this way. Don't fight the feeling.
Understand that it has nothing to do with the person you're jealous of
Try to identify why you feel this way and what your body is trying to tell you that you need.
Focus on self-care and affirmations.
Pray to God to help you overcome.
At the end of the day, self discovery is all about figuring out things like this and using the lessons we've learnt when similar tests pops up again in the future. I hope you this helps you. Please share your experience and how you overcame this emotion in the comments to help us learn. May God Almighty makes it easy for all of us. Amin.
If this is your first time reading my blog, welcome. Thank you for checking it out. My name is Afolabi Aderonke Mautin Salamat also known as AM SALMA or thatLagoshijabi and I share all I learn on my self-growth journey with you. Each month, I explore a self growth concept. This is post is dedicated to July and learning how to deal with negative emotions.
In the meantime, you can check out my previous blog posts and let me know your thoughts (I appreciate constructive feedback).
October - Self-forgiveness
November - Self-awareness
December - Mental Decluttering
January - New Beginnings
February - Self-Love
March - self - discovery
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I'm sending you lots of love and light till we meet next time.
Peace be upon you!
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